Wow…let’s see…
Well I just got back from a trip up North to see my grandparents and such. I had fun. Took some cool pictures. I wish I was able to do more and I wish I had more time to do what I wanted, but things like that happen and life goes on.
My room mate is going to a boarding school next week. It’ll do her good. And she’s supposedly happy about it.
Lately I’ve been spending most of my time laying Guitar Hero 3, watching movies, cleaning my room, re-arranging my room, going to school, doctor’s appointments, drawing and eating and sleeping. I’m just so bored with life. I don’t know how to explain it. Nothing phases me that much anymore. My room mate says that I’m in a “natural high state” of mind 24/7. I think it’s cool, but I’m not proud of it. I also need to take better care of myself as a person and state my opinions more often and not be scared and hesitant. In order to receive love, I have to love myself first. I don’t really love myself, in fact I don’t really remember a time when I felt like patting myself on the back. I know that sounds depressing and to tell the truth, I’m not really depressed at all. It may seem like it, probably because I’m in my room alot, I don’t have a job, I have finished my GED yet, haven’t got a car or license for that matter, my body looks terrible… It’s funny you know…this year I’m turning 19 and 10 years ago I thought that I’d have my whole life be something out of a story book *haven’t we all?” But I mean, I imagined having a great body, with beauty and smarts and riches galore and sure I may be pretty and I may be smart. I don’t got the money though. I always thought I would turn into a preppy chick who wears a size 8-12 and has all of these friends to hang out with everyday. And I’m sitting here wondering, where did it go wrong? Well for one, I was severely depressed as a pre teen and I just ate away because I was a depressed. I miss being a size 14. I always told myself I’d regret eating that extra one later. I also don’t have the many friends because when I was 12 I dropped out 6th grade and I was home schooled in 2 or 3 subjects. And I sometimes blame the teachers for that *which they are to blame for not teaching me properly at all*, but also because I didn’t want to go the distance. I dropped out because I gave up. I had to re-take a math test that I made a 7 on that I took once before before that and the score just got worse and worse. I just packed my stuff up and said that’s it. I kinda wish I stayed, cause I’ll never know what high school life was like or go to the prom. I always thought my life would be extremely stable at this point, that I would stop traveling, have the greatest boyfriend in the world, my parents would always be together, everything would just fall into my hands, but life goes on. Life is a dream, I want to live in the now, not the could’ve been. But I regret a whole lot and I can’t help but wonder what I could’ve done to prevent that. There is a line between fantasy and reality. I’ve always known that, but when I’m alone all I can think of is stories and what if’s and just make believe. I don’t want to live like that. But I can’t help but seem to keep wondering off and having a blast in my mind. I’m afraid I’m going to be some crazy person who lives in their dreams and doesn’t experience life. Another reason why I love reading, it gets me out of the world. I don’t know…I have to love and respect myself a whole lot better, but when you look at yourself in the mirror at the end of the day who is that you actually see? When you go to bed at night, who’s there with you? For me, in the mirror, I don’t really see myself but just a reflection of someone else. At night, for me…I’m alone with no one to hold. I don’t know I’m ranting on about stuff again. I’ve just always though of everyone else before me alot…like when my mom gives me $20 to go to a store and have fun with, I get me one thing and can’t help but buy all this stuff for other people I don’t even know hardly or for family. And then I wonder, I wished I used that $20 and got me that shirt I wanted or that poster, or the batteries I need. Well I’m going to end the rant about me now.
Anyhow, I’ve been playing Guitar Hero 3 like crazy. I beat easy level on the second day I had it and now I’m on medium level and it’s horrible!!!!! I can hardly keep up with everything I may love the color blue but the blue button is not my friend cause I keep screwing it up! And then just out of curiosity, I went to hard level just to see what it’s gonna take…well I wasn’t even in the beginning of the 1st song and I lost! I swear…I think I’m just happy with easy mode, lol.
Sometime next week I’m going down to Georgia again. I miss my best friend, Colin. I can talk about anything with him. I don’t what to bring down there to keep myself occupied while he’s at work though. So I’m just gonna bring along a few movies maybe and my guitar hero game and memory card.
My dad got himself a new girlfriend. She’s alright but it’s weird, you know. I never thought my parents would just slip away from each other. A long time ago I wanted a love like that. I remember how they gazed at each other and stuff. But now that he’s moved out and into his own house, I just remember watching their love just slip away. I remember that all my dad wanted to do was get high and get a drink or two and my mom would yell at him just to come sleep in the house. I remember when they just would start to fight cause his friends would rule the house. It’s just weird. Before we moved out to Arkansas it all seemed alright, but now ever since we lived in there everything slipped away. Sure I have friends there, friends I wouldn’t give for the world. sure my brother lives out there now…but it seems to me that when I moved there, that state ruined my life. It’s odd. Back then I thought they still be together, I’m happy that my parents are friends and such, but out there, we fell apart. But anyways, yeah… but he got himself a new girlfriend and he seems pretty happy. Her name is Sherry.
I originally was going to write about my trip and stuff and write about people, but I just wanted to rant. I wanted to come to terms about some things and writing helps me figure things out, so I’m gonna post this and if you read this far down, thanks for reading and I hope this didn’t take too much of your time. I’ll blog ya’ll later!

MangaChick18